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As Black women in America, we carry a lot on our shoulders and fight many battles along the way. But for many of us, the very first battles that we ever faced were with our own mothers. Deeper than any stereotype and more painful than any breakup, there are wounds within the Black community that are plaguing the relationships between mothers and their daughters.

Experiencing mental, emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my mom isn’t an experience that I should have had to face; and yet, it was my reality. I’m not proud to admit this, but from the age of 17 to 19, I told everyone that I came across that my mother was deceased. With Mother’s Day just around the corner and saddened by my strained relationship with my mom, I felt compelled to dig into how others feel about this not-so-silent issue and how it can be resolved.

“This issue goes deeper than just a mother and daughter relationship. As Black women, we have always felt compelled to protect Black men, while neglecting Black women. We have a sense of scarcity about us that puts us into competition mode. We’ve been taught that there can only be one when it comes to others in our own race and gender.”

— Moriah Lane, African American History Scholar

Though the strength of a Black woman is unmatched by any other, our fatal flaw has proven to be our very own competition amongst ourselves. Going back generations, Black moms are raising their daughters with the same toxic traits that were used to raise them. These traits have conditioned us to believe that other Black women should be seen as rivals. Where history should have taught us unity, we’re instead repeating a pattern of division.

“Black women inherently have issues with other Black women. When it comes to those who share our race and gender, we’re conditioned to believe that there can only be one. It’s unfortunate when, as Black women, we’ve been trained to hate or feel threatened by what happens to come in the form of our daughter.”

— Moriah Lane

Though this issue takes up a branch of our history, it is not the only history that we come from, and it certainly can’t be how we end our story. Though the chance of improving my relationship with my mother has come and gone, this Mother’s Day can act as a beacon of hope and reconciliation for others in my shoes. If Moriah is right — and undoubtedly she is — then this issue was started in the history of African American Women, and that’s where I needed to search for my answer.

If you’re looking for a way to reconcile, here are some ways you can use history to heal the relationship with the mother that you were given: